I’m Allan Lake, a british radio presenter who really is fucking good at what he does… Yeah… I am! Don’t ever think that its wrong to admit you are really awesome at something, sing your own praises… or don’t expect others to! But why am I unemployed? Why is this awesome radio host not actually on the radio? Why does everything that’s going good… always end up being destroyed in the blink of an eye.
Wikipedia seriously pisses me off. My page just preaches on about how many times I have been fired, what I did to be fired… what I had… what I lost. It pisses me off because its all true… Read for yourself: Allan Lake Wikipedia
So I worked out a few years ago that the reason I was doing really well on the radio, pulling in big audiences… then getting fired over something pathetic was purely down to the fact that british radio is run by uptight morons that don’t have a clue. Things didn’t just start going wrong in the radio department, three relationships and one marriage… all ending in tears. Why? Well clearly because the woman are idiots, they don’t understand me and they don’t appreciate me.
So, I sit in a bar… I’m thinking about what the hell I am going to do with myself… Why can’t I get back on the radio… and why can’t I find a woman that is the right match, someone that understands? I’m thinking hard, I can’t work it out… Then all of a sudden, a tear runs down my cheek… I was crying like a fucking baby, alone in a crowded soho pub… Then my brain caught up with my tear glands… I had the answer… I had worked out exactly what was happening…
What if the people around me… the bosses… the woman… what if they weren’t the dicks… What if the dick was me? Fuck! I am the dick. You know when you have always known something but you really don’t want to ever say it out loud, because once you acknowledge it… its true… its fact… its happened… Well, I don’t know what it was, perhaps the end of my marriage after only one year… perhaps the fact that my agents wouldn’t even speak to me anymore… Perhaps it was the fact that no one in radio would take my call. What if instead of it being everyone else’s fault, it was all mine! What if all this time that I have been on this horrific cycle of having something great… then it going horribly wrong… What if instead of someone else hitting the destroy button, what if it was me that was pressing the self destruct button….?
That’s actually what had happened, and it was happening time and time again… When I look back at the catalogue of things going wrong, they have just got worse and worse… Losing my dream job which I can never get back, losing the most amazing wife… What’s next? Losing my life? After the penny dropped, I realised that this was no longer an epiphany moment… I was really scarred, I am going to end up dead if I don’t stop this self destructive cycle that goes on and on…
It may seem a bit extreme that I have jumped from Losing job, Losing marriage… to Losing Life… but I know myself, I know the thoughts and the extreme things that go on in my mind sometimes… It wasn’t just a slight worry… This WOULD happen… if I can’t stop it now.
To you this might read as some jumped up dude who thinks he has major issues, and compared to other people… he should just man up and stop feeling sorry for himself. Well, I don’t care what it looks like to other people, I know where this can end up going, and its already heading that way.
Die… or not to die… that was the question… Choose life… choose a job, choose a fucking big ego… If I know what the problem is, I can sort this out right? Well…. there is only one way to find out! FIGHT!! Noo… seriously… I have to stop brushing this under the carpet and deal with it… I need to stop this circle that has dragged me down for years. I have no doubt in my ability as an entertainer… I know I am good. Yeah, who says that out loud… ME… I am shit at everything in life… seriously, everything… I am socially awkward, I don’t like people… I don’t like sports… my younger brother is a million times the man I am… But I am good at one thing, engaging people using radio. I don’t care what people think about my ego, the listening figures say it all… people like to listen to me… Well until I press that big red destroy button. If I can just get help, fix this… My talent should bring me the rest of the way? Perhaps I won’t lose the most amazing wife.
So here is the deal, the idea of sitting in front of a shrink and spilling my guts out makes me wanna run for the hills… I am most happiest when I am spilling out my guts on the radio though… There are person details I would share on air, but would never say out loud whilst on the shrinks couch… So… To get this done, I have turned my whole journey, the therapy sessions, the inner most thoughts… everything about this ‘repair job’ into this blog… The idea that its entertaining people, even if it is my life falling apart around me… The idea that its just another platform to entertain is a clever way of fooling my brain into thinking that its fine to seek therapy, its fine to cry about it, its fine to have a breakdown… Its all for the benefit of my blog readers… I don’t know if anyone will read this, but its one way I will get through it… Turn this living hell into entertainment…
Everything you read on here… the video clips, photos and taped therapy sessions are real. The names of the counselling professionals have been kept anonymous because this really goes against all codes and conducts, and although they are all willing to so this with me, they don’t want to be fired over it.
So, Lets do this. I warn you, in the coming weeks… you will hear me cry a lot… its pretty hard to understand what I am saying when I cry, but I am sure the production team working with me on this ‘Project’ will be able to add subtiles… Theory session number 1 starts this afternoon… Hear the highlights and my thoughts on what we spoke about a little later!
OMG, why am I doing this? Oh yeah, I don’t fancy being a douchebag my whole life.
Allan
