I was told to write this blog to keep track of my behaviour and breaking the cycle of destruction. And to be 100 % honest, I have no idea what to say right now.

I had a lovely party round my house for all the family on Thursday night, after everyone had gone…. I cleaned up with Big Ginger Lee and he left about 10pm. I’ve been having SERIOUS problems sleeping for 2/3 weeks now, I never get more that 3 or 4 hours and some nights I have no sleep at all. Those over the counter tablets used to work, but nothing even makes me a tiny bit sleepy anymore.

So I ordered some online this week from a random website, they were called Etizolam tablets. This is what they are: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etizolam I read reviews that they make you sleep well and don’t feel groggy in the morning.

I had 20 in the box, I took 2 at bedtime like it says… But after an hour nothing happened so I took 2 more. Then I feel to sleep. I woke up which was probably a good hours later because Lee was calling me to say he was coming back round… I thought he must have left something earlier. He asked me how I was and where I had been all day… I didn’t understand, I thought he was playing a joke on me… BUT it was 11pm on FRIDAY! I had slept a whole day…. but the pallet of 10 tablets was empty and the pallet that was unopened was no where to be seen.

I swear down on every person that I love and care for, In my mind… I feel asleep and woke up after a few hours… took some more…. then woke up with Lee at my house 24 hours later. I’m not missing one single detail out, thats exactly what happened in my head.

Lee had been at work all day, so didn’t notice anything wrong, but had missed a facebook message from my big sister saying something along the lines (can’t remember the details) “Allan’s gone nuts, please can you go over to and sort him out, he wont let anyone else in”.

It was midnight the next day when I started to realise that something had happened, I noticed weird things in my flat like my xmas tree lights were off, my spare key from mum and dads was on my table and also my new phone had arrived and was next to me… But no one else was around.

I was getting angry on Facebook last night because all the lakes were sleeping and no one would tell me what happened. Hayley (my sister) said that I gone nuts, called dad and josh, they dragged me to the doctors and thats all i really got from that conversation.

I see this morning that she wrote on my wall, and I wish that she hadn’t had put it on facebook so other people to see before I got a chance, but never mind. I woke up…  I still don’t 100% know what happened, but it appears I look all the tablets, I then called dad to come over and ‘save me’ and then mum made me go to the doctors. Who gave me more sleeping tablets, ones that are not off the internet. I don’t know where they are though, I cant find a prescription or anything.

I have totally ruined christmas, and although I would like to think its not my fault, It was me that did it… I just don’t remember.. I have sworn on so many lives today… But I mean this from the bottom of my heart, I did something wrong and I’ve upset all my family but i honestly don’t remember what I did, not in detail… we I dont remember anything… just what i’ve been told. I have no memory of leaving the house.

I don’t think I am allowed to mums for christmas dinner anymore, no one from the family has called me since I woke up last night… and after I apologised to Josh (little brother), and told him the honest truth, I dont know whats happened… They said to leave it for 2 weeks and see what happens.

I feel like i’ve had my hearts been torn out because I have been really good for the past few days. Someone said that I had wished my mum dead or something, I could never imagine saying that.

My macbook pro’s keyboard is covered in tears. I feel like I can’t make it better if i dont know what i did, and people explaining it doesn’t make sense. We were going to have christmas dinner at mums today as a family event, but no one has mentioned about me coming now so I think I best not go. I can’t look them in the eyes. I FUCKING WISH I REMEMBERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!! As least that way I could apologize, but you cannot apologize from the bottom of your heart it you have no clue what happened.

Lee is going to his mums for xmas dinner tomorrow, he was going to come here but I’ve cancelled it. I dont think I want anyone around right now, and as much as I love him, hes only going to try and mummy cuddle me.

Mum, Dad… whoever else was involved… Please believe me that I fell to sleep and woke up the next day feel refreshed…. thats all i remember… I dont have one single memory of anything else. I’m really sorry and hope you have a lovely christmas. But I wont come because its going to be awkward for everyone.